Transcending towards enlightenment, and kicking your butt along the way

When you’ve finished cleaning yourself up, I will point out how your pathetic attempts have left you even more exposed.
For you see, your true error was engaging in combat in both 2 dimensions and in 3. It limits the mind my young friend. However, in doing that you have shown me the true path.
To truly be a master at this challenge you need to leave the material world behind. It is a matter of transcendence.

For now, I have begun to leave the material plane behind. In a sense, you could say I have become my own…

Little Buddha


Which of course had Keanu Reeves in it. Which is my ticket to…
The Matrix?

My poor misguided friends. I told you I had left the material world far behind.

It has been in the crucible of this combat that I have been able to shed my preconceived notions of space and time, achieving a state of zen-like perfection in my responses. I have harnessed my chi and aligned my chakras to such an immense degree that I am now able to travel through space using only the power of my meditation.

Just like Hugh Jackman could do in…



The Fountain



I assume after you saw that I had achieved a state of true enlightenment, merely viewing the magnificence of this primitive communication blew your mind into a state of rapture. Kind of like Hugh Jackman’s face right here


That's right. Hugh Jackman just showed you his "Oh" face.
By the way, the sound effect you are searching for here is YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

True Ninjas Fight to the Death

And into my trap you’ve fallen … so perfectly that I do weep, but with tears of happiness.

Did you honestly believe you could beat me?

Did you really think that I didn’t see your response coming from a mile away?

I saw your Secret of the Ooze/Beverly Hills Ninja combo coming before I ever even learned to tie my own shoes.

You say you’ve circumvented the globe and snuck up behind me – but in your travels I wonder – did you notice that the world was not only flat, but 2 Dimensional???

While you were off gallivanting I was exiting screen right and entering screen left with my left foot of justice extended in your direction – courtesy of one Mr. Johnny Cage, you’ve just been Shadow Kicked into oblivion!

That’s right – for unbeknownst to you, you’ve engaged me in

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!

But how is this possible you ask?

How have you been beaten at your own game?

Well sir, your Beverly Hills Ninja retaliatory strike was ill chosen as it allowed me to slide seamlessly between the two films. For the character who plays Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat ALSO plays Chris Farley’s brother from another mother in Beverly Hills Ninja – I speak of course of Robin Shou!!!

 But that is not all!

For I also draw upon the power of another! One you never suspected…you see I too call upon fellow SNL cast members of the great 90’s using Adam Sandler’s cult classic Billy Madison. Do you recall his love interest? Ms. Veronica Vaughan? I’ll bet you do, however, I know her by a different name:

Man does that Bridgette Wilson know how to kick butt.





But why stop there? You say you have 4 Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Well I have 4-armed Demi-Gods!!!

That ain’t no oversized Chucky doll either!

What’s that? You beg for mercy?

I see you swaying in the middle of the arena – head lolling about – I would be inclined to give it you. But I cannot. For the tournament master Shang Tsung has unveiled his verdict and his thumb points not up … but DOWN.

This match must now end in

FATALITY!!

And just like Christopher Lambert (AKA Lord Rayden; AKA Connor Macleod) from the movie Highlander

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!

Theme song to the television series by QUEEN!!!!

Lord Rayden says:

FLAWLESS VICTORY!!!!

Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!

Ha! Of course I knew I was being set-up with Conan, and that my only conceivable response could be Red Sonja! That was all part of my master plan. I am so far ahead of you that you might as well start looking behind you, because watch out, I am circumnavigating the globe and coming up after you!

Did that metaphor even make sense? Who cares! I don’t need coherency when I have this up my sleeve. You see a normal man would have come back with Ernie Reyes as Keno, in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: the Secret of the Ooze. And then rocked a Vanilla Ice cheap shot. Sort of like this…


But no, instead I will come at you from an unexpected angle. In true ninja style.

And I will do it with class and poise. For you see, it is not Ernie Reyes in your poster that inspires me, but Rob Schneider. For you see, Rob was not the only Saturday Night Live alum to star “avec les Ninjas” as the French like to say.

How could you forget the cinematic tour de force that is and always will be




Admit it. That is the face you made when I hit you with this one-two ninja super punch. Now go cry in a corner for a while.

Anything You Can Ernie Reyes, Jr. I can Ernie Reyes, Jr. Better

My plan worked perfectly – but of course you would respond with Red Sonja. How could you not? It was simply too easy ... too easy like a fox!

You even went as far as to call out the presence of one Ernie Reyes Jr.  A fatal flaw as it was the perfect set up for my next move.

For you see I operate in stealth.

Like a Ninja …

No - like a ...

Surf Ninja







































Oh, SNAP!

Did you just get a Rob Schneider, Leslie Nielsen bomb dropped on you?

Yes.

Yes I think you did.