Deeper into the Abyss, or the importance of making an entrance

Day 2
Let me paint a picture for you my friends. A Seaside Heights club filled to capacity. Our heroine Gia and her cousin have arrived and flirted their way past the bouncer at the door. Like famed scholar Joseph Campbell described in the classic literary trope The Hero's Journey, the two ladies have passed the test of the threshold guardian and arrived in this new land of adventure. This land of wonder. This land of guido juiceheads (a term which unfortunately thwarts the internal dictionary of iBooks).
In her description of this scene, Snooki, our intrepid author, uses a time honored cinematic tradition of the slow motion camera shot to provide drama and gravitas to this moment.
However, it doesn't translate to the page. At all.
Allow me a small excerpt, if you will, gentle readers.
"Gia imaged the moment in slo-mo, the music falling silent, guys turning to watch them walk, her hair swinging with every step. And then the scene returned to normal speed. They'd made an entrance."
Wow. Just wow.
Unfortunately, once inside the club, things become difficult for our heroine. After sucking face with a random gentleman, Gia is accosted by said gentleman's female companion in an altercation I am told is referred to as a cat fight.
Gia is chastised by the aggressive and possessive woman, who proceeds to call our heroine a whore. Gia inform her that she is no whore, but rather, in her own charming vernacular, a slut. According to her, there is indeed a difference.
As an English teacher, and a champion of language, I have to applaud her determination to seek out the correct noun, even in the midst of a heated altercation with some skinny shore skank.
Bravo Gia, bravo. And bravo to you Snooki, for the championing the cause of correct word choice in your narrative.
I am on page 20 of 325. Yes, that is correct. This things tops in at 325 pages. And it ain't getting better. Next chapter, Gia's cousin Bella goes to the gym. Be ready.

It has begun

Day 1
I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. I downloaded the Snooki book tonight. The iTunes store quit on me three times while trying to download "A Shore Thing". A part of me wondered if that was a bad sign. An omen of things to come or a guardian angel desperately trying to get my attention. A part of my mind whispered at me to turn back now. The same part that tells me chili fries are bad for you and that the cute meth-head girl at the taco place who is missing a tooth might not be all that cute. I left that part of my mind to whisper its warnings in vain and downloaded anyway.
The book now in my possession, I went to the first page, steeled myself, and began the literary odyssey.
Immediately, I regret this decision. The first three pages introduce me to plucky young Gia Spumanti, Snooki's literary alter-ego as she struggles against vicious humidity of Seaside Heights New Jersey, wrestling with her stubbornly uncooperative "pouf". Thanks to the built in dictionary feature of iBooks, I discovered that a "pouf" is actually a bouffant hair-do, and originally evolved from a French term for a head-dress. Three pages of coiffure induced conflict later, and poor Gia is unable to get her "pouf"adequately high enough to attract the guido juiiceheads in the club, despite prodigious use of aqua net and butterfly clips (given the charming nom de guerre of "tramp clamps"). Has this poor girl never seen that infomercial for the Bump-it, which will give a young lady a ready made wall of hair?
I could go on to introduce Gia's cousin Bella, who is a spot on doppelgänger for Snooki's "Jersey Shore" co-star J-Woww, who is sharing the shore house with Gia this summer, but I have just realized that I now have a working knowledge of Jersey hair techniques, and apparently more familiarity with the Bump-it product than the author, and that thought has left me sickened and cold.
What have I agreed to do to myself?

A descent into madness...

Tuesday night, I read a review of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's first foray into writing, "A Shore Thing." Now, I am no "Jersey Shore" virgin. I have borne witness to both full seasons of this cultural adventure, and am avidly watching this current season. In short, I thought I was prepared.

I was wrong.

Contrary to my previous beliefs, it was not an autobiography, but an actual novel. As a literature teacher, I was intrigued. I had questions. I knew there was a ghost writer helping out, but would Snooki's voice actually come through? What kind of novel would this woman write? I read on.

The few snippets in the review alone were enough to leave me dazed and shuddering. the scatological references alone were enough to cause me to stare in slack-jawed denial. Overcome with revulsion, I turned away from the review and on to Facebook to express my horror.

But the memories would not fade.

As I told people about this, people laughed, but they did not believe. They had not seen those words arranged in such horrid and abhorrent fashion.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I would have to read this book and report on the horrors within. I would do this in place of all those I hold dear. I would face this nightmare so they would not have to.

Tonight the madness begins. I will download "A Shore Thing" and begin to read it. I am afraid I lack the courage and self-esteem to actually buy an actual hard copy of this thing in a real store where people can see it in my hands.

As I prepare for this, I am left with a quote from the philosopher Nietzsche echoing in my mind.

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

Transcending towards enlightenment, and kicking your butt along the way

When you’ve finished cleaning yourself up, I will point out how your pathetic attempts have left you even more exposed.
For you see, your true error was engaging in combat in both 2 dimensions and in 3. It limits the mind my young friend. However, in doing that you have shown me the true path.
To truly be a master at this challenge you need to leave the material world behind. It is a matter of transcendence.

For now, I have begun to leave the material plane behind. In a sense, you could say I have become my own…

Little Buddha


Which of course had Keanu Reeves in it. Which is my ticket to…
The Matrix?

My poor misguided friends. I told you I had left the material world far behind.

It has been in the crucible of this combat that I have been able to shed my preconceived notions of space and time, achieving a state of zen-like perfection in my responses. I have harnessed my chi and aligned my chakras to such an immense degree that I am now able to travel through space using only the power of my meditation.

Just like Hugh Jackman could do in…



The Fountain



I assume after you saw that I had achieved a state of true enlightenment, merely viewing the magnificence of this primitive communication blew your mind into a state of rapture. Kind of like Hugh Jackman’s face right here


That's right. Hugh Jackman just showed you his "Oh" face.
By the way, the sound effect you are searching for here is YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

True Ninjas Fight to the Death

And into my trap you’ve fallen … so perfectly that I do weep, but with tears of happiness.

Did you honestly believe you could beat me?

Did you really think that I didn’t see your response coming from a mile away?

I saw your Secret of the Ooze/Beverly Hills Ninja combo coming before I ever even learned to tie my own shoes.

You say you’ve circumvented the globe and snuck up behind me – but in your travels I wonder – did you notice that the world was not only flat, but 2 Dimensional???

While you were off gallivanting I was exiting screen right and entering screen left with my left foot of justice extended in your direction – courtesy of one Mr. Johnny Cage, you’ve just been Shadow Kicked into oblivion!

That’s right – for unbeknownst to you, you’ve engaged me in

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!

But how is this possible you ask?

How have you been beaten at your own game?

Well sir, your Beverly Hills Ninja retaliatory strike was ill chosen as it allowed me to slide seamlessly between the two films. For the character who plays Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat ALSO plays Chris Farley’s brother from another mother in Beverly Hills Ninja – I speak of course of Robin Shou!!!

 But that is not all!

For I also draw upon the power of another! One you never suspected…you see I too call upon fellow SNL cast members of the great 90’s using Adam Sandler’s cult classic Billy Madison. Do you recall his love interest? Ms. Veronica Vaughan? I’ll bet you do, however, I know her by a different name:

Man does that Bridgette Wilson know how to kick butt.





But why stop there? You say you have 4 Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Well I have 4-armed Demi-Gods!!!

That ain’t no oversized Chucky doll either!

What’s that? You beg for mercy?

I see you swaying in the middle of the arena – head lolling about – I would be inclined to give it you. But I cannot. For the tournament master Shang Tsung has unveiled his verdict and his thumb points not up … but DOWN.

This match must now end in

FATALITY!!

And just like Christopher Lambert (AKA Lord Rayden; AKA Connor Macleod) from the movie Highlander

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!

Theme song to the television series by QUEEN!!!!

Lord Rayden says:

FLAWLESS VICTORY!!!!

Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!

Ha! Of course I knew I was being set-up with Conan, and that my only conceivable response could be Red Sonja! That was all part of my master plan. I am so far ahead of you that you might as well start looking behind you, because watch out, I am circumnavigating the globe and coming up after you!

Did that metaphor even make sense? Who cares! I don’t need coherency when I have this up my sleeve. You see a normal man would have come back with Ernie Reyes as Keno, in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: the Secret of the Ooze. And then rocked a Vanilla Ice cheap shot. Sort of like this…


But no, instead I will come at you from an unexpected angle. In true ninja style.

And I will do it with class and poise. For you see, it is not Ernie Reyes in your poster that inspires me, but Rob Schneider. For you see, Rob was not the only Saturday Night Live alum to star “avec les Ninjas” as the French like to say.

How could you forget the cinematic tour de force that is and always will be




Admit it. That is the face you made when I hit you with this one-two ninja super punch. Now go cry in a corner for a while.

Anything You Can Ernie Reyes, Jr. I can Ernie Reyes, Jr. Better

My plan worked perfectly – but of course you would respond with Red Sonja. How could you not? It was simply too easy ... too easy like a fox!

You even went as far as to call out the presence of one Ernie Reyes Jr.  A fatal flaw as it was the perfect set up for my next move.

For you see I operate in stealth.

Like a Ninja …

No - like a ...

Surf Ninja







































Oh, SNAP!

Did you just get a Rob Schneider, Leslie Nielsen bomb dropped on you?

Yes.

Yes I think you did.

I see your barbarian and raise you one red-headed she devil

Conan the Barbarian?

You come at me with Conan the Barbarian? A movie I know by heart?

A movie I own no less than three different versions of?

A movie whose main cast I can list off the top of my head with greater ease than my extended family?

I will admit, the picture with Arnold making his “O” face charging toward the camera is pretty spectacular, but my friend, anyone can name Arnold. For true Conan knowledge, can you remember such luminaries as pro-surfer Gerry Lopez, who played Subotai, thief and archer.

Or Mako, who played the wizardly narrator? Or the incomparable Sandahl Bergman, who played Conan’s ill-fated love, Valeria.

Hmm, Sandahl Bergman. Where else have I seen her? Oh yes, now I remember. Alongside Brigitte Nielsen who played the crimson-haired she-devil known as…

Red Sonja

Behold the majesty. You come at me with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Here he plays Kalidor, and is in the movie for maybe a total of fifteen minutes. But in those fifteen minutes, he wrestles a gigantic iron water snake, lifts a bunch of stuff, and woos Sonja with such gems as this little exchange:

Red Sonja: No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight.
Kalidor: So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic.
[Red Sonja goes and lies down. Kalidor picks up his sword and holds it to her throat]
Kalidor: If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepared to be conquered... Little Sonja...
Red Sonja: Don't be a fool, I don't want to kill you.
Kalidor: Try it.

And they say romance is dead.

Oh, and it has not only Sandahl Bergman but tae kwon do superstar Ernie Reyes jr.


Feel free to concede now my friends. I know it can be disheartening to be so well and truly vanquished.

Who Needs Three Blades to do the Work of One?

The Sword and the Sorcerer is it?

While  I am impressed with your knowledge of 80’s Fanti-crap – I dare say you have underestimated your opponent yet again.

You see I need not delve into the depths of movie vault obscurity to vanquish this foe. Nay sir, for there is nothing subtle about the brute strength which I wield at my finger tips.

When you attack with Prince Valiant hair and silly mustaches I have no choice but to counter with the greatest warrior King in the history of the world. I see your long flowing locks and raise you 10,000 lbs of skull crushing muscle.

Who is this hero you ask?

Wonder no further …

For I give you -

CONAN THE BARBARIAN!!!!!!

YOU ARE TERRIFIED!!!

I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH ONE
PECTORAL!!!

Your hero is a girly man. And you’ve just been blitzed by the right arm of the Governator.

We’ve even got James Earl Jones with beautiful, long, straight hair.

You know what CONAN does to people with long, pretty, straight hair?

He crushes them!!!

I see your sharp frisbee and raise you a three bladed sword...

Perfect, you have fallen into my devious trap.


You see I have an unholy love for all things fantasy. By not only recognizing my Willow reference but also responding in kind, you have committed three costly errors.

The first is believing that I would consider Krull obscure. Please. What other movie has “The Glaive,” a deadly Frisbee you control with gestures that look like a cross between using the force and being really constipated.
See what I mean? Look at that guy's face!

The second is mentioning Krull without giving credit to the lovely and talented Lysette Anthony, who played that kidnapped princess you were mentioning. She survived all that time in the black fortress waiting for Middle Earth's Ultimate Frisbee team to rescue her, and her 80's perm still looked awesome. My kind of chick.

The third is allowing me to bring my knowledge of 80’s fantasy to bear on this contest. I let you off the hook early on, but now, the time for mercy is past. Now you’re in my playground. So pucker up Buttercups. Because the genre of Fantasy has had some landmark films. And few are as iconic, as memorable, and as wacky as

The Sword and the Sorcerer




Oh wow! Is that a 3-bladed sword that shoots its blades?



Why yes it is prince valiant, now go get a haircut.



Or maybe you just need a sweet crown like this guy. Pimpin!



And who played the main character?
Why that would be 80’s action man, Lee Horsley



Here he is in “Matt Houston”.
Yup, I just used "Matt Houston" to justify an actor's existence.

Now that's obscure.

Boom.

Resting my Krull on your Weary Willow

A wonderful reference. I can't argue with the genius that is Willow. But I can best it.
If its the world of fantasy you seek then look no further; for beyond your world, beyond your time there exists another, even greater (even more obscure) world.

A world with enormous horses that fly!

A world with a super cool cyclops dressed like Meriwether Lewis!

A world ... with Liam Neeson??!

Oh, and those pesky aliens who invade and kidnap the king's woman. Check it.

That's right, I'm talking about KRULL!!

You may have a little wand, but I've got the Glaive.

Forget the island, here is the real fantasy.

From out of nowhere she speaks. And comes out of the gate swinging with both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villachez both.

Impressive.

But of course, I will have to respond.

I will see your Fantasy Island, and take the Fantasy out of it.

I will see your talented little person and raise it with one of my own.

For you see, where your quest for reflection took to you to a mysterious island, mine will take you on a journey beyond imagination. Enter the world of…

Willow

Yup. From the mind of George Lucas, and maybe the first sign of his approaching madness. From the directorial vision of Richie Cunningham himself, Ron Howard. You've got Val Kilmer, his once-wife Joanne Whaley Kilmer, and the esteemed Warwick Davis.

Yup. The same Warwick Davis who played the Leprechaun in the movie of the same name.

Hell yeah.

And for the record, Warwick Davis would make Herve Villachez his bitch.

Yeah, that's right Val Kilmer. I said it.

two words: Ricardo Montalban

You boys with your naïve heads off in space. I, on the other hand, am more grounded. “This ISLAND earth” indeed. You need not look to the stars for the extraordinary, bizarre and fantastical. Jared, Mark, are you foolish enough not to understand that the answers to the nature of the universe and true personal reflection can only come from the wisdom imparted by 2 guides and a journey to……..

Ahh….Mr. Roarke and Tatoo. The plane! The plane! Ahead of its time… with its exploration of deep social issues and the international duo of Ricardo Montalban and ,the midget, (as he insisted on being called) Herve Villechaize. A combination of tropical fantasy, mystery, magic, the supernatural, and cocktails.

Take that you sci-fi dweebs!

Andy

The "Buck" Stops Here

Whoa, whoa, whoa - hold the phone. First off, I cringed so bad my eyes hurt while watching that video clip. My favorite part was that the super-futuristic musician took little time in rediscovering his roots in funk. Undoubtedly his Great Great Great Great ... Great Great Grandfather's Great Grandfather was a member of the Parliament Funkadelic. I'll add that were I trying to describe "Rock" I might do a little more than just snap my fingers in a rapid arrhythmic fashion. If that's "Mojo" I will pass. Serve me the Space Salad instead. But I don't like just anything tossed in there, I only eat home grown greens from a distant land called :

Perhaps Flash was a bit overzealous. I'll even give you that Buck Rogers was a formidable blow - but if you think you can cruise through the crappy SciFi TV series or film genre and not take a pounding you've got another thing coming my friend.

Behold the Mut-ANT!!!

And lets not forget those crazy giant forehead guys with there wacky antics ...

Are they wearing Humidors on there heads? You bet they are.

Put that in your Space Pipe and smoke it.

All flash and no substance

Easy now Tiger, don't let that little shot go to your head.

You see, I anticipated your "Flash"-y technique. You might even say I counted on it.

Now to your credit, I will say the theme music accompanying your post was a nice touch, and I am totally a sucker for multi-media presentation.

But if we are talking pure retro sc-fi cheesy love, while Flash (aaaaaAAAAAAh) scores with a sweet Queen soundtrack, he loses a bit in sheer space mojo.

What's that I said? Space mojo? What could that possibly be?

Oh child, if i have to explain it to you, then you are not geeky enough to understand.

Flash? Please. He had Dale Arden, who while admittedly pretty cute, was only one woman. Quaint and sort of romantic, but for true dominance of sci-fi you need a real space lothario. A man who showed the world that with white jumpsuits and man-boobs you could still be a sex symbol.

And let's not forget the ladies. Wilma and Princess Ardala. Sugar and spice yo. Sugar and spice.

As you gaze in wonder, perhaps you should check this little gem out. Make sure you got the sound turned up. http://io9.com/342451/buck-rogers-in-the-disco-century

"It's called getting down. It's a little before your time."

Word Buck Rogers. Word.

And did you mention something about gues stars? John Rhys who? Timothy what? Anyone can play a dwarf or the only James Bond worse than George Lazenby. But i got Hollywood royalty!

The voice of Bugs Bunny and Arnold! Now, whatchoo talkin bout Jared?

(much love Gary C. R.I.P.)