Let me paint a picture for you my friends. A Seaside Heights club filled to capacity. Our heroine Gia and her cousin have arrived and flirted their way past the bouncer at the door. Like famed scholar Joseph Campbell described in the classic literary trope The Hero's Journey, the two ladies have passed the test of the threshold guardian and arrived in this new land of adventure. This land of wonder. This land of guido juiceheads (a term which unfortunately thwarts the internal dictionary of iBooks).
In her description of this scene, Snooki, our intrepid author, uses a time honored cinematic tradition of the slow motion camera shot to provide drama and gravitas to this moment.
However, it doesn't translate to the page. At all.
Allow me a small excerpt, if you will, gentle readers.
"Gia imaged the moment in slo-mo, the music falling silent, guys turning to watch them walk, her hair swinging with every step. And then the scene returned to normal speed. They'd made an entrance."
Wow. Just wow.
Unfortunately, once inside the club, things become difficult for our heroine. After sucking face with a random gentleman, Gia is accosted by said gentleman's female companion in an altercation I am told is referred to as a cat fight.
Gia is chastised by the aggressive and possessive woman, who proceeds to call our heroine a whore. Gia inform her that she is no whore, but rather, in her own charming vernacular, a slut. According to her, there is indeed a difference.
As an English teacher, and a champion of language, I have to applaud her determination to seek out the correct noun, even in the midst of a heated altercation with some skinny shore skank.
Bravo Gia, bravo. And bravo to you Snooki, for the championing the cause of correct word choice in your narrative.
I am on page 20 of 325. Yes, that is correct. This things tops in at 325 pages. And it ain't getting better. Next chapter, Gia's cousin Bella goes to the gym. Be ready.