Thursday, September 30, 2010

I see your barbarian and raise you one red-headed she devil

Conan the Barbarian?
You come at me with Conan the Barbarian? A movie I know by heart?
A movie I own no less than three different versions of?
A movie whose main cast I can list off the top of my head with greater ease than my extended family?

I will admit, the picture with Arnold making his “O” face charging toward the camera is pretty spectacular, but my friend, anyone can name Arnold. For true Conan knowledge, can you remember such luminaries as pro-surfer Gerry Lopez, who played Subotai, thief and archer.
Or Mako, who played the wizardly narrator? Or the incomparable Sandahl Bergman, who played Conan’s ill-fated love, Valeria.

Hmm, Sandahl Bergman. Where else have I seen her? Oh yes, now I remember. Alongside Brigitte Nielsen who played the crimson-haired she-devil known as…

Red Sonja

Behold the majesty. You come at me with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Here he plays Kalidor, and is in the movie for maybe a total of fifteen minutes. But in those fifteen minutes, he wrestles a gigantic iron water snake, lifts a bunch of stuff, and woos Sonja with such gems as this little exchange:

Red Sonja: No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight.
Kalidor: So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic.
[Red Sonja goes and lies down. Kalidor picks up his sword and holds it to her throat]
Kalidor: If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepared to be conquered... Little Sonja...
Red Sonja: Don't be a fool, I don't want to kill you.
Kalidor: Try it.
And they say romance is dead.

Oh, and it has not only Sandahl Bergman but tae kwon do superstar Ernie Reyes jr.

Feel free to concede now my friends. I know it can be disheartening to be so well and truly vanquished.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Who Needs Three Blades to do the Work of One?

The Sword and the Sorcerer is it?

While  I am impressed with your knowledge of 80’s Fanti-crap – I dare say you have underestimated your opponent yet again.

You see I need not delve into the depths of movie vault obscurity to vanquish this foe. Nay sir, for there is nothing subtle about the brute strength which I wield at my finger tips.

When you attack with Prince Valiant hair and silly mustaches I have no choice but to counter with the greatest warrior King in the history of the world. I see your long flowing locks and raise you 10,000 lbs of skull crushing muscle.

Who is this hero you ask?

Wonder no further …

For I give you -




Your hero is a girly man. And you’ve just been blitzed by the right arm of the Governator.

We’ve even got James Earl Jones with beautiful, long, straight hair.

You know what CONAN does to people with long, pretty, straight hair?

He crushes them!!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

I see your sharp frisbee and raise you a three bladed sword...

Perfect, you have fallen into my devious trap.

You see I have an unholy love for all things fantasy. By not only recognizing my Willow reference but also responding in kind, you have committed three costly errors.

The first is believing that I would consider Krull obscure. Please. What other movie has “The Glaive,” a deadly Frisbee you control with gestures that look like a cross between using the force and being really constipated.
See what I mean? Look at that guy's face!

The second is mentioning Krull without giving credit to the lovely and talented Lysette Anthony, who played that kidnapped princess you were mentioning. She survived all that time in the black fortress waiting for Middle Earth's Ultimate Frisbee team to rescue her, and her 80's perm still looked awesome. My kind of chick.

The third is allowing me to bring my knowledge of 80’s fantasy to bear on this contest. I let you off the hook early on, but now, the time for mercy is past. Now you’re in my playground. So pucker up Buttercups. Because the genre of Fantasy has had some landmark films. And few are as iconic, as memorable, and as wacky as

The Sword and the Sorcerer

Oh wow! Is that a 3-bladed sword that shoots its blades?

Why yes it is prince valiant, now go get a haircut.

Or maybe you just need a sweet crown like this guy. Pimpin!

And who played the main character?
Why that would be 80’s action man, Lee Horsley

Here he is in “Matt Houston”.
Yup, I just used "Matt Houston" to justify an actor's existence.

Now that's obscure.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Resting my Krull on your Weary Willow

A wonderful reference. I can't argue with the genius that is Willow. But I can best it.
If its the world of fantasy you seek then look no further; for beyond your world, beyond your time there exists another, even greater (even more obscure) world.

A world with enormous horses that fly!

A world with a super cool cyclops dressed like Meriwether Lewis!

A world ... with Liam Neeson??!

Oh, and those pesky aliens who invade and kidnap the king's woman. Check it.

That's right, I'm talking about KRULL!!

You may have a little wand, but I've got the Glaive.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Forget the island, here is the real fantasy.

From out of nowhere she speaks. And comes out of the gate swinging with both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villachez both.


But of course, I will have to respond.

I will see your Fantasy Island, and take the Fantasy out of it.

I will see your talented little person and raise it with one of my own.

For you see, where your quest for reflection took to you to a mysterious island, mine will take you on a journey beyond imagination. Enter the world of…


Yup. From the mind of George Lucas, and maybe the first sign of his approaching madness. From the directorial vision of Richie Cunningham himself, Ron Howard. You've got Val Kilmer, his once-wife Joanne Whaley Kilmer, and the esteemed Warwick Davis.
Yup. The same Warwick Davis who played the Leprechaun in the movie of the same name.

Hell yeah.

And for the record, Warwick Davis would make Herve Villachez his bitch.

Yeah, that's right Val Kilmer. I said it.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

two words: Ricardo Montalban

You boys with your na├»ve heads off in space. I, on the other hand, am more grounded. “This ISLAND earth” indeed. You need not look to the stars for the extraordinary, bizarre and fantastical. Jared, Mark, are you foolish enough not to understand that the answers to the nature of the universe and true personal reflection can only come from the wisdom imparted by 2 guides and a journey to……..

Ahh….Mr. Roarke and Tatoo. The plane! The plane! Ahead of its time… with its exploration of deep social issues and the international duo of Ricardo Montalban and ,the midget, (as he insisted on being called) Herve Villechaize. A combination of tropical fantasy, mystery, magic, the supernatural, and cocktails.

Take that you sci-fi dweebs!


Thursday, September 2, 2010

The "Buck" Stops Here

Whoa, whoa, whoa - hold the phone. First off, I cringed so bad my eyes hurt while watching that video clip. My favorite part was that the super-futuristic musician took little time in rediscovering his roots in funk. Undoubtedly his Great Great Great Great ... Great Great Grandfather's Great Grandfather was a member of the Parliament Funkadelic. I'll add that were I trying to describe "Rock" I might do a little more than just snap my fingers in a rapid arrhythmic fashion. If that's "Mojo" I will pass. Serve me the Space Salad instead. But I don't like just anything tossed in there, I only eat home grown greens from a distant land called :

Perhaps Flash was a bit overzealous. I'll even give you that Buck Rogers was a formidable blow - but if you think you can cruise through the crappy SciFi TV series or film genre and not take a pounding you've got another thing coming my friend.

Behold the Mut-ANT!!!

And lets not forget those crazy giant forehead guys with there wacky antics ...

Are they wearing Humidors on there heads? You bet they are.

Put that in your Space Pipe and smoke it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

All flash and no substance

Easy now Tiger, don't let that little shot go to your head.

You see, I anticipated your "Flash"-y technique. You might even say I counted on it.

Now to your credit, I will say the theme music accompanying your post was a nice touch, and I am totally a sucker for multi-media presentation.
But if we are talking pure retro sc-fi cheesy love, while Flash (aaaaaAAAAAAh) scores with a sweet Queen soundtrack, he loses a bit in sheer space mojo.
What's that I said? Space mojo? What could that possibly be?

Oh child, if i have to explain it to you, then you are not geeky enough to understand.

Flash? Please. He had Dale Arden, who while admittedly pretty cute, was only one woman. Quaint and sort of romantic, but for true dominance of sci-fi you need a real space lothario. A man who showed the world that with white jumpsuits and man-boobs you could still be a sex symbol.

And let's not forget the ladies. Wilma and Princess Ardala. Sugar and spice yo. Sugar and spice.

As you gaze in wonder, perhaps you should check this little gem out. Make sure you got the sound turned up.

"It's called getting down. It's a little before your time."

Word Buck Rogers. Word.

And did you mention something about gues stars? John Rhys who? Timothy what? Anyone can play a dwarf or the only James Bond worse than George Lazenby. But i got Hollywood royalty!

The voice of Bugs Bunny and Arnold! Now, whatchoo talkin bout Jared?
(much love Gary C. R.I.P.)