Monday, October 11, 2010
For you see, your true error was engaging in combat in both 2 dimensions and in 3. It limits the mind my young friend. However, in doing that you have shown me the true path.
To truly be a master at this challenge you need to leave the material world behind. It is a matter of transcendence.
For now, I have begun to leave the material plane behind. In a sense, you could say I have become my own…
Which of course had Keanu Reeves in it. Which is my ticket to…
My poor misguided friends. I told you I had left the material world far behind.
It has been in the crucible of this combat that I have been able to shed my preconceived notions of space and time, achieving a state of zen-like perfection in my responses. I have harnessed my chi and aligned my chakras to such an immense degree that I am now able to travel through space using only the power of my meditation.
Just like Hugh Jackman could do in…
I assume after you saw that I had achieved a state of true enlightenment, merely viewing the magnificence of this primitive communication blew your mind into a state of rapture. Kind of like Hugh Jackman’s face right here
That's right. Hugh Jackman just showed you his "Oh" face.
By the way, the sound effect you are searching for here is YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Did you honestly believe you could beat me?
Did you really think that I didn’t see your response coming from a mile away?
I saw your Secret of the Ooze/Beverly Hills Ninja combo coming before I ever even learned to tie my own shoes.
You say you’ve circumvented the globe and snuck up behind me – but in your travels I wonder – did you notice that the world was not only flat, but 2 Dimensional???
While you were off gallivanting I was exiting screen right and entering screen left with my left foot of justice extended in your direction – courtesy of one Mr. Johnny Cage, you’ve just been Shadow Kicked into oblivion!
That’s right – for unbeknownst to you, you’ve engaged me in
But how is this possible you ask?
How have you been beaten at your own game?
Well sir, your Beverly Hills Ninja retaliatory strike was ill chosen as it allowed me to slide seamlessly between the two films. For the character who plays Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat ALSO plays Chris Farley’s brother from another mother in Beverly Hills Ninja – I speak of course of Robin Shou!!!
But that is not all!
For I also draw upon the power of another! One you never suspected…you see I too call upon fellow SNL cast members of the great 90’s using Adam Sandler’s cult classic Billy Madison. Do you recall his love interest? Ms. Veronica Vaughan? I’ll bet you do, however, I know her by a different name:
Man does that Bridgette Wilson know how to kick butt.
But why stop there? You say you have 4 Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Well I have 4-armed Demi-Gods!!!
That ain’t no oversized Chucky doll either!
What’s that? You beg for mercy?
I see you swaying in the middle of the arena – head lolling about – I would be inclined to give it you. But I cannot. For the tournament master Shang Tsung has unveiled his verdict and his thumb points not up … but DOWN.
This match must now end in
And just like Christopher Lambert (AKA Lord Rayden; AKA Connor Macleod) from the movie Highlander
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!
Theme song to the television series by QUEEN!!!!
Lord Rayden says:
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Did that metaphor even make sense? Who cares! I don’t need coherency when I have this up my sleeve. You see a normal man would have come back with Ernie Reyes as Keno, in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: the Secret of the Ooze. And then rocked a Vanilla Ice cheap shot. Sort of like this…
But no, instead I will come at you from an unexpected angle. In true ninja style.
And I will do it with class and poise. For you see, it is not Ernie Reyes in your poster that inspires me, but Rob Schneider. For you see, Rob was not the only Saturday Night Live alum to star “avec les Ninjas” as the French like to say.
How could you forget the cinematic tour de force that is and always will be
Admit it. That is the face you made when I hit you with this one-two ninja super punch. Now go cry in a corner for a while.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
You even went as far as to call out the presence of one Ernie Reyes Jr. A fatal flaw as it was the perfect set up for my next move.
For you see I operate in stealth.
Like a Ninja …
No - like a ...
Did you just get a Rob Schneider, Leslie Nielsen bomb dropped on you?
Yes I think you did.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I will admit, the picture with Arnold making his “O” face charging toward the camera is pretty spectacular, but my friend, anyone can name Arnold. For true Conan knowledge, can you remember such luminaries as pro-surfer Gerry Lopez, who played Subotai, thief and archer.
Hmm, Sandahl Bergman. Where else have I seen her? Oh yes, now I remember. Alongside Brigitte Nielsen who played the crimson-haired she-devil known as…
Behold the majesty. You come at me with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Here he plays Kalidor, and is in the movie for maybe a total of fifteen minutes. But in those fifteen minutes, he wrestles a gigantic iron water snake, lifts a bunch of stuff, and woos Sonja with such gems as this little exchange:
Red Sonja: No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight.
Kalidor: So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic.
[Red Sonja goes and lies down. Kalidor picks up his sword and holds it to her throat]
Kalidor: If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepared to be conquered... Little Sonja...
Red Sonja: Don't be a fool, I don't want to kill you.
Kalidor: Try it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
While I am impressed with your knowledge of 80’s Fanti-crap – I dare say you have underestimated your opponent yet again.
You see I need not delve into the depths of movie vault obscurity to vanquish this foe. Nay sir, for there is nothing subtle about the brute strength which I wield at my finger tips.
When you attack with Prince Valiant hair and silly mustaches I have no choice but to counter with the greatest warrior King in the history of the world. I see your long flowing locks and raise you 10,000 lbs of skull crushing muscle.
Who is this hero you ask?
Wonder no further …
For I give you -
CONAN THE BARBARIAN!!!!!!
YOU ARE TERRIFIED!!!
Your hero is a girly man. And you’ve just been blitzed by the right arm of the Governator.
We’ve even got James Earl Jones with beautiful, long, straight hair.
You know what CONAN does to people with long, pretty, straight hair?
He crushes them!!!
Monday, September 20, 2010
You see I have an unholy love for all things fantasy. By not only recognizing my Willow reference but also responding in kind, you have committed three costly errors.
The first is believing that I would consider Krull obscure. Please. What other movie has “The Glaive,” a deadly Frisbee you control with gestures that look like a cross between using the force and being really constipated.
See what I mean? Look at that guy's face!
The second is mentioning Krull without giving credit to the lovely and talented Lysette Anthony, who played that kidnapped princess you were mentioning. She survived all that time in the black fortress waiting for Middle Earth's Ultimate Frisbee team to rescue her, and her 80's perm still looked awesome. My kind of chick.
The third is allowing me to bring my knowledge of 80’s fantasy to bear on this contest. I let you off the hook early on, but now, the time for mercy is past. Now you’re in my playground. So pucker up Buttercups. Because the genre of Fantasy has had some landmark films. And few are as iconic, as memorable, and as wacky as
The Sword and the Sorcerer
Oh wow! Is that a 3-bladed sword that shoots its blades?
Why yes it is prince valiant, now go get a haircut.
Or maybe you just need a sweet crown like this guy. Pimpin!
And who played the main character?
Why that would be 80’s action man, Lee Horsley
Here he is in “Matt Houston”.
Yup, I just used "Matt Houston" to justify an actor's existence.
Now that's obscure.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
If its the world of fantasy you seek then look no further; for beyond your world, beyond your time there exists another, even greater (even more obscure) world.
A world with enormous horses that fly!
A world with a super cool cyclops dressed like Meriwether Lewis!
A world ... with Liam Neeson??!
Oh, and those pesky aliens who invade and kidnap the king's woman. Check it.
That's right, I'm talking about KRULL!!
You may have a little wand, but I've got the Glaive.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
You boys with your naïve heads off in space. I, on the other hand, am more grounded. “This ISLAND earth” indeed. You need not look to the stars for the extraordinary, bizarre and fantastical. Jared, Mark, are you foolish enough not to understand that the answers to the nature of the universe and true personal reflection can only come from the wisdom imparted by 2 guides and a journey to……..
Ahh….Mr. Roarke and Tatoo. The plane! The plane! Ahead of its time… with its exploration of deep social issues and the international duo of Ricardo Montalban and ,the midget, (as he insisted on being called) Herve Villechaize. A combination of tropical fantasy, mystery, magic, the supernatural, and cocktails.
Take that you sci-fi dweebs!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Behold the Mut-ANT!!!
Put that in your Space Pipe and smoke it.