I see your barbarian and raise you one red-headed she devil

Conan the Barbarian?

You come at me with Conan the Barbarian? A movie I know by heart?

A movie I own no less than three different versions of?

A movie whose main cast I can list off the top of my head with greater ease than my extended family?

I will admit, the picture with Arnold making his “O” face charging toward the camera is pretty spectacular, but my friend, anyone can name Arnold. For true Conan knowledge, can you remember such luminaries as pro-surfer Gerry Lopez, who played Subotai, thief and archer.

Or Mako, who played the wizardly narrator? Or the incomparable Sandahl Bergman, who played Conan’s ill-fated love, Valeria.

Hmm, Sandahl Bergman. Where else have I seen her? Oh yes, now I remember. Alongside Brigitte Nielsen who played the crimson-haired she-devil known as…

Red Sonja

Behold the majesty. You come at me with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Here he plays Kalidor, and is in the movie for maybe a total of fifteen minutes. But in those fifteen minutes, he wrestles a gigantic iron water snake, lifts a bunch of stuff, and woos Sonja with such gems as this little exchange:

Red Sonja: No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight.
Kalidor: So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic.
[Red Sonja goes and lies down. Kalidor picks up his sword and holds it to her throat]
Kalidor: If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepared to be conquered... Little Sonja...
Red Sonja: Don't be a fool, I don't want to kill you.
Kalidor: Try it.

And they say romance is dead.

Oh, and it has not only Sandahl Bergman but tae kwon do superstar Ernie Reyes jr.


Feel free to concede now my friends. I know it can be disheartening to be so well and truly vanquished.