Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It has begun

Day 1
I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. I downloaded the Snooki book tonight. The iTunes store quit on me three times while trying to download "A Shore Thing". A part of me wondered if that was a bad sign. An omen of things to come or a guardian angel desperately trying to get my attention. A part of my mind whispered at me to turn back now. The same part that tells me chili fries are bad for you and that the cute meth-head girl at the taco place who is missing a tooth might not be all that cute. I left that part of my mind to whisper its warnings in vain and downloaded anyway.
The book now in my possession, I went to the first page, steeled myself, and began the literary odyssey.
Immediately, I regret this decision. The first three pages introduce me to plucky young Gia Spumanti, Snooki's literary alter-ego as she struggles against vicious humidity of Seaside Heights New Jersey, wrestling with her stubbornly uncooperative "pouf". Thanks to the built in dictionary feature of iBooks, I discovered that a "pouf" is actually a bouffant hair-do, and originally evolved from a French term for a head-dress. Three pages of coiffure induced conflict later, and poor Gia is unable to get her "pouf"adequately high enough to attract the guido juiiceheads in the club, despite prodigious use of aqua net and butterfly clips (given the charming nom de guerre of "tramp clamps"). Has this poor girl never seen that infomercial for the Bump-it, which will give a young lady a ready made wall of hair?
I could go on to introduce Gia's cousin Bella, who is a spot on doppelgänger for Snooki's "Jersey Shore" co-star J-Woww, who is sharing the shore house with Gia this summer, but I have just realized that I now have a working knowledge of Jersey hair techniques, and apparently more familiarity with the Bump-it product than the author, and that thought has left me sickened and cold.
What have I agreed to do to myself?

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